Longest 2 days ever

It's only been 2 days since Onex died, and it seems like forever. Its so hard to come home and not have her little self right there at the door saying "Hurry up mom, I gotta pee!". Or yapping at me because I don't give her a treat fast enough. What I wouldn't give to hear that little bark. Hell, even smell her stanky breath.

Last night was the first time I left Melody & Indigo home alone, and for me to come home to dogs and not have Onex there. So sad... The first car ride to mom's, the first feeding, the first real night alone in my bed, it's all so hard. Her blanket is still there, and last night Indigo bounded into the bed and stopped quick as she got near the blanket to make sure she didn't get snapped at, and then sniffed around looking for Onex. It's so wierd and hard and totally sucks. I'm not going to work until at least Thursday, because I just don't want to deal with clients and their BS right now. I think I would either be extra bitchy to them, or just lose it.

I haven't heard from the vet yet, about picking up her ashes. I want to do that soon, I think it will give me a tiny bit of closure. I don't know what I'm going to do with them. It freaks me out a little bit, but so does the thought of just not knowing where she is. All these random things that trigger memories. I have so many, but I don't want to be thinking about them, I want her to be right here with me.

Mom had to go to her vet today, and told her about Onex. She said that at most Onex could have lived for another month, but that she would have had to stay in the hospital for a few weeks. That made me feel a little better. A "second opinion" that confirmed my choice. I just keep thinking about how I wish I could have given her a little more love the last few days, or could have spent some time just with her on my lap. I know she was spoiled and had more than any dog could ask for, but I just wish I could have loved her a little more on her last day.

I had bought 2 pink lilies a week or so ago, and knew I wanted more. I was looking at them on Sunday, and looking at my little lilac bush that mom brought me back from NY.. and decided I would make Onex a garden. Pink lilies because pink was always her collar/harness color, in a circle around the lilac bush from NY, where she was born. So, that's one of the many projects that's kept me busy. The 6 lilies circle around the lilac bush making about a 4 ft circle garden. It needs more, and everything that goes in it will be pink for Onex. My mom found me a really pretty low to the ground pink flower today at Home Depot, and we're going to LA Reynolds, a big flower place, tomorrow to see what else we can find. I can't decide if I want a stone or sign or something in there or not. Oddly enough, I got some dog catalog int he mail last week, and they have stones that you can have your pets picture etched into for gardens.. so I might do that. Or it might be enough for me to know and tell others that see it that it's Onex's garden. If you know of any relatively short pink flowers/plants, let me know.

Today has been ok. I think I've only cried 2-3 times. But, I can't be still, unless my mind is totally occupied with a TV show or movie. Otherwise I just get up and pace. It sucks. My car is fabulously clean, inside & out. My grass is all mowed, my flowers are weeded, I planted a tree, cleaned out throw rugs, did lots of laundry, mopped the floor, cleaned up some clutter. It all helps me just zone out. I want to make a scrap book or something to hang on the wall too. I need to print out some pictures & go to ACMoore to get stickers and such.

Thank you to everyone who sent me an email or comment. While it made me cry each time I read one, it also made me feel very loved and supported.