Good days, bad days

So, the last few days have been up & down in terms of my sadness level. Been keeping myself extra busy most of the time. I just still have an overwhelming feeling of sadness & loss, which makes sense but still feels ukky.

I picked up Onex's ashes Friday after I busted outta work early. Had a good cry once I got home, after being run off the road by a big pickup truck trying to avoid slamming into the back end of the car in front of him cuz he wasn't paying attention to Silas Creek 4:30 traffic at a stoplight. Then I went into a cleaning frenzy vaccuuming the house and steam cleaning the living room carpet & putting various odds & ends away. Then, Colleen, Alice & I went to our favorite grease spot to eat floppy chips & wings. (Floppy chips are homemade potato chips like Mayberry's & Ham's make). Then we tackled Colleen's apartment & loaded up her new Ford Escape with all her shit. I don't know how it all fit. At one point I was like "no way this is not happening, start taking stuff out that you can live without for the summer!" but we managed to fit just about everything she wanted in various crevices & holes. We left just enough room for Linus & his carrier and that's it. We even loaded the soft car top carrier (completely full with bedding & clothes) on top of the car by ourselves. That was fun, lemme tell ya. We ended up with a load of stuff to go under my house, a big TV to go to her friend Nissa in Greensboro & lots to throw away. I think it was about 2am when we got outta her apt & came to my house to sleep. Exhausting.

Saturday we got up, moved the stuff around under the house & then went to eat at the old Chesapeake Bagel & then went to Greensboro to meet up with some friends to see Sex & The City. I never watched the show for more than 5 mins here and there, but the movie was pretty good. It might make me want to get the dvds and watch the old episodes. Then a few of the peeps came back here to help clean Colleen's apt and we ate pizza & played SkipBo at my house til we crashed at about 11pm.

Colleen headed out to NY at about 9am on Sunday, and I just kind of had a mopey day. Too many sad things in a short period of time. Mom & I went to a flower/plant place in Kernersville to find some bush/shrub she saw at Forsyth Hospital & wanted, then we stopped at Whole Foods & I got a gigantic stargazer lily to plant somewhere. It's still in my house cuz it smells so good! I also finished Onex's garden Sunday evening. Colleen got me a pretty pinky-purple calla lily so that completed the empty space. I had to settle for Evening Primrose seeds, because we couldn't find grown plants ANYWHERE! Hopefully they'll grow & be just as pretty. I've found a couple websites that sell pet memorials, so I need to pick one out so I can have it all finished. I don't think that will really help me get over anything any better, but at least it will be done & there for her.

I find myself looking for her to take outside, or pick up from the bed or get out of the car still. Or looking at any of the various pictures I have around and just getting teary & wishing I could just hold her one more time. Poor little Onex. =(